Jokes
There is my collection of the funniest jokes. It's sure to make you smile or laugh. Have a fun! If you have not, tell me why in my webcam chat room >>>
[Russian is not a nationality... It is a FATE]
LETTER TO SANTA
Dear Santa,
Thank you for that Chinese fireworks you sent me last Christmas. I like it very much.
For this Christmas please give me as a present two little fingers and an eye.
CREATION
The God after creation of Adam looked at him, smiled and said, "What a beautiful creature! Strong legs, perfect muscles, devine face... Go on sonny..."
Then The Lord made Eva. Through a glance at her and prononced, "Well, Eva... What could I say... Suppose, you have to use cosmetics for all your life..."
ALTERNATIVE
Son: Father, what is alternative?
Father: Imagine sonny, I would present you thousand dollars. You bought
5 hens. They began to reproduct themselves and soon you would have hundreds
of hens. Your bussines went well. But unexpectedely began flood. And
all your hens were drowned…
Son: But father what is alternative?
Father: Alternative is ducks...
LOCAL FLIGHT PROBLEM
Airport announcer: Dear passengers the flight "Moscow – Uryupinsk" is postpond because of absence of airport in Uryupinsk.
3 DIFFERENCES: RUSSIA VS ENGLAND
Russia. Fight at a restaurant. Russian man came to fighters and started to fight togather with them.
England. Fight at a restaurant. Englishman came to fighters and asked: Is it private fight or everybody could take part?
Russia. Proverb "Thoughts of all fools are the same"
The same proverb in English sounds "Great minds think alike"
Englishman came to Paris at seventh time and ignored visit to Eiffel tower.
Russian man came to Paris at seventh time and ask to let him look at Eiffel tower ones again. He just interested if they found an oil at last...
COMMERCIALS
Are you poor, ugly and silly? Colt45 is always at your service!
Vodka "Time machine": Tossed down - tommorow already came.
Russian week in Mac Donald`s: "Today specials - vodka and dumplings"
DREAM
Each frog is dreaming to be a submarine
CROSSCULTURAL MISSANDERSTANDING
A group of Russian men came to France as tourists. In Paris they visited a brothel. When they came back home to Russia, they told confidently to their incredulous listeners, "You know, all those French girls in the brothel turned out to be virgins!"...
At the same time in Paris brothel girls are recalling their Russian customers: "Auh, those Russians all were so impatient, they even didn't let us take off our pantyhoses."
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT RUSSIAN WOMEN THINK ABOUT...
On a balcony a woman is looking down at a man smoking in the yard.
Woman: "Man, I'm afraid of you."
Man: "Why should you be afraid of me?"
Woman: "What if you rape me?"
Man: "How can I do it? You're three floors up."
Woman: "I am going to come down."
[If there will not be war and sex humanity could die of dull...]
MARRIAGE CONTEXT
According to the scope of demand for Russian brides abroad. It seems like abroad accumulated piles of loundry, dirty dishes, lost buttons and all men are hungry.
PROGRAMMING vs SEX
Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life
IN THE SUBWAY
Man: Hey, Lady take away your elbows from my shoulders!
Women: It is not elbows, It is my bust…
Man: Oh... Never mind, than…
WOMEN, PORNO, ETERNAL WISH
It is clear why men like to watch porno... But why women do? ...They just believe that all that will end with wedding...
PUZZLE
What is the difference between Macho-man and Paris? Paris is Paris forever...
CREED
Two vegetarians sit in a restaurant. One of them ordered a glass of
tomato juice.
"Will you be drink a blood of dead tomatoes???" - was horrified
another one.
POPULAR WISDOM
Better lay with old wife than with a new disease.
DREAMS
All women are dreaming about smart and tender lovers… But unfortunately smart and tender men already have lovers…
EXTRA
Man met extraterrestrial.
Man: WOW! Extraterrestrial! Let me shake your hand!
Extra: Carefully!!! WHO told you that it is my hand!!!?
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
Source: Dirty Sex Jokes >>> The Creation of a Pussy
MY GIRL
- My girlfriend is like a mobile phone.
- Is she little, sexy and gives a lot, for a modest price?
- No, she do not speak with me, when I run out of money!
CASUAL SEX
Mother to his older daughter: Natasha is that young man who called you today your new acquaintance?
Daughter: Nothing of the kind! We just have sex twice.
To understand the next jokes you should know:
That lieutenant of cavalry Rzhevsky (Lt. Rzhevsky) - is a hero of Leo Tolstoy`s roman "War and Peace". And because of his wide personality and loveability he is a hero of great deal of Russian anecdotes.
Count Rostov - is a father of Natasha Rostova who is a main heroine of the same roman. Count Rostov is too good to be not mentioned in anecdotes. So...
ECHO
Lt. Rzhevsky woke up in the morning with an exellent mood. He felt particulary energetic and was benevolent to the entire world. He rushed out to the balcony and yelled with all his might:
- Life is wonderful!!!
- ...fuck, ...uck, ...ck
Repeated his echo habitually.
SILANT FAMILY DINNER
A family of count Rostov set at a table to have dinner and they agreed that the first one who utter a word has to do the dishes. This time Lt. Rzhevsky came to see his girl-friend Natasha Rostova. Lt. eat and talk, but no other one said a word. Than he got ungry, and does to Natasha what he was going to do with her at their wedding night. But everybody kept silance. Then he does to her sister what he was going to do with her in a month after the wedding with Natasha. Still silence. Then he does to the old lady what he was never going to do with her. Silence. Unexpectedly Lt. Rzhevsky remembered that his carriage squealks and asked for some vaseline... The old lord stood up and without saying a word went to the kitchen to do dishes...
More sex jokes >>>
[Moan of a disappointed worm: Life stinks... There is no future... Butterflies are not exist...]
DESTINY OF EMPIRE
All our life is a fight. Fight for Democracy and Justice. Democracy means everyone can have meal. Justice means all meal is mine.
EXPLANATION
Sonny: Father why women use cosmetics and parfumes?
Dad: Well... How to explane it... You see Sonny... For example lets
look at a cock-roach trap...
MICROBIOLOGICAL ROCK`n`ROLL
Famouse Russian rock`n`roll star Zemfira, who is an author of the Hit "You Got AIDS and it means that we will Die", issued a new single "You Got SARS and it means we, our neighbors, and neighborse of our neighborse will Die"
ALERT
Seismologists in Red alert: moles came to connubial period.
PUZZLE OF BEAUTY
Scinetists established a fact that women preference to be not clever but beautiful exists just because of men whose sight ability is better than understanding of things.
STRICTLY SCINTIFIC KNOWLEDGE
After conducting thousands of experiments on mouses Harward University scientists found out that mouses reproducing itselves quicker if Harward Univercity scientists do not disturb them with experiments…
LAW and NEED
The Law is strong... but Power of a Need is stronger...
POLITICAL MEANS OF APPLES
If a person share apples with others - it means he has apples. If a person share ideas with others - it means he has no apples.
LIFE
Years pass away… Someone are getting clever… Someone getting older…
MORE LIFE
Cactus - is a disappointed cucumber...
PHILOSOPHY for DUMMIES at YOURS FINGER-TIPS
Platonism: I have recalled... I have fingers…
Neoplatonism: I have fingers… But it was not me who have recalled
it…
Atomism: Fingers are exist… But they are very little… And
there are a lot of them…
Kineks: Fingers are exist… But what for?
Stoicism: Fingers are inevitable…
Judaism: My fingers – the best of fingers…
Zoroastrism: There are left fingers… There are right fingers…
And they are in equal parts…
Hinduism: Each finger stands with its own karma…
Buddhism: Time of fingers is limited… Than, what the Hell they
are for?
Confuciusism: Fingers… Just fingers…
Taoism: Everything around you is one unlimited finger…
Christianity: There are five fingers… But the Palm is a Unity
of them…
Heresy of Christianity: There are not five fingers… LOL…
Philosophy of Middle Ages: Fingers are not comprehended…
Philosophy of Renaisance: Nevertheless... fingers are exist…
Muslim: There are no fingers but mine…
Sensualism: If my fingers feel pain they are exist… If no, they
are not…
Idealism: Fingers are exist, just because I believe they are exist…
Subjective Idealism: When I stop thinking about fingers they are disappear…
Agnosticism: Yes, fingers are exist… But nobody can prove it…
Materialism: I think about fingers because they are exist…
Dialectical Materialism: Left fingers oppose to right fingers in form
of palm…
Rationalism: Fingers cannot be non-fingers…
Skepticism: Come on… It is impossible to understand fingers…
Determinism: …it is depends on fingers…
Enlightenment: And what YOU did for your fingers?
Gegel: Fingers are exist!!! But how could it be?
Nitzche: Do not stare at your fingers… They can look at you back…
Marxism: New fingers come in place of old fingers…
Marxism-Leninism: New fingers come in place of old fingers by mean of
revolution…
Nazism: Only Aryan fingers are fingers…
Apartheid: Only white fingers are fingers…
Irrationalism: Does fingers exist?
Positivism: Fingers are fingers… But…
Existentialism: Fingers are exist… Be brave to withstand it…
THINKERS
Some men think about women, that they are bad, dirty and silly…
They think… think… think… think about women.
LOGIC
If a woman think that you eat and sleep too much – be sure she is not your mother.
ROBIN HOOD & ROBIN BADASS
Robin Hood had a brother - Robin Badass, who took money from the poor and gave it to the rich. Robin Hood and Robin Badass turned all that money over. Since those times there is a high living standards in England.
WOMEN
Women do not need much from love. They need all.
DARWINISM
Only an unnatural behaivior differs human beings from animals.
THERAPY
Psychiatrist: Congratulations! The therapy surprisingly successful.
Patient: Do you call it successful? Half an year before I was the Napoleon, and today I am nothing…
MEDICINE
Joke is a best remedy. But not for diahretics.
FACES OF DEATH
Death comes to the bed of lazy persons. And it waits curious persons in a power socket.
COPS
According to some statistics 43% of cops are afraid of cops.
FAILURE
System administrator was sentenced to 15 years imprisonment for screaming out: “System failed, we should change the system!”
REALITY
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
LAST AFFORD
Wisecrack: Government made the last afford to save healthcare system... Doctors was allowed to sell drugs legally...
HARD QUESTION
Baby-worm asks mom-worm: Mom if worms are living in apples?
M: Yes sonny.
B: And are they living in cherries?
M: Yes.
B: Mom, than why we are living in the shit?
Booze
365 reasons to Booze it Up!
